Tom O'Connor Group

Economic and management consulting firm

3 stories and 9 ideas

Selections by

Tom OConnor



Marriage is not a ritual or an end.
It is a long, intricate,
intimate dance together
and nothing matters more
than your own sense of balance
and your choice of partner.

~Amy Bloom 



We all want to be good

The human quest “to be good” drives virtually everything we do.  We must distinguish between “material good” and “spiritual good.”
We all want to be good, but it’s not easy. If you ask an evil person and a good person the same question: “Are you a good person?,” who do you think is more likely to say, “I’m good”? The good one or the evil one?

The evil one! He could kick his own mother in the stomach and still think he’s good. You say, “That’s terrible! How could you do such a thing?” He rationalizes and says, “You don’t understand. She asked me to take out the garbage. If I do it, who knows what else she’ll ask for next? This could go on forever!”

As for the good person, he takes out the garbage. But if you would then tell him, “I see you’re a good person,” he says, “No, I’m really not so good. Didn’t you notice that while I was taking out the garbage I kicked my mother in the stomach?”

“What are you talking about? I was watching and you didn’t kick your mother in the stomach!”
“Well, I didn’t actually kick her. But I was grumbling as I carried out the garbage. I wanted my mother to feel bad. I was in the middle of a good book, and if I don’t register my protest, who knows — she might ask me to do it again tomorrow!”

Do you see the difference? The evil person will always say he’s right. He doesn’t bother trying to be good, so he never feels a struggle. He just assumes he’s good.
Whereas the person who really tries to be “good” knows how tough the job is. And he’s always striving for a higher level.
There’s a third type: The fully righteous person, the Tzaddik. He takes out the garbage and says, “It’s my pleasure, Mom. You work so hard to take care of us. So thank you for the opportunity to express my appreciation!”


The struggle to do good stems from the two conflicting inclinations in every human being. A person has two hearts: one that loves to do the right thing, and one that prefers to be selfish. You need to develop an awareness of the struggle going on inside you. For example:
You want to use your time effectively, versus you feel like procrastinating.
– You want to eat healthily, versus you feel like chocolate cake.
– You want wisdom, versus you feel like watching TV.
One heart loves to do the right thing, the other prefers to be selfish.
“Want” is for permanence. It is rooted in reality. “Desire” is for the moment, with little regard for future consequence. It is an escape.

This conflict is between your body and your soul. Your eternal soul seeks permanence. It wants to do all the right things: to love humanity, seek justice, be altruistic, sensible, honorable and responsible. Your soul strives to fulfill its potential.

Meanwhile, your body, which is destined for the grave, seeks satisfaction for the moment. Drawn by comfort and effortlessness, it wants to eat, to sleep, to lust.
You know it’s not right to refuse to take out the garbage, and your heart really wants to be good. But your other heart, the heart of desire, would rather stay inside where it’s warm, reading a book in comfort.

Even as you’re reading this, your soul is nudging you: “Pay attention — this will make me great!” But your body contradicts: “All this hard work and concentration is too painful. I was doing just fine the way I was before!”

With every decision, the two hearts clash and create a dilemma.
With every decision, the two hearts clash and create a dilemma. To be triumphant in the battle to be good, you have to focus on your innate desire to be good. Remind yourself each morning that you want to be good, and don’t let that consciousness lay fallow. Make it part of your mindset, and you’ll see an observable effect throughout your day. You’ll make more mature and effective decisions.


It can be very confusing to sort out that which we desire from that which we want.
Ask someone: “Which is more important to you – happiness or money?”

“I’d rather be happy. Just give me basic food, clothing and shelter — and then I’ll gladly take a lot of happiness! After all, what kind of fool wants to be a miserable millionaire?”
“Okay, give me a week and I guarantee to show you how to be happy.”
“Well, that’s an interesting offer… Maybe one day I’ll consider it.”
“Okay, I’ll make you a deal: After one month, if you’ve increased your happiness, I’ll give you a bonus of $10,000.”
Now watch that guy run to you!
Why? Which is more important to him – happiness or money?
Of course, happiness is more important. But that’s just the intellectual understanding of the soul. On the other hand, the body is distracted by the sight of those green stacks of bills!
Bodily desire confuses our thinking. Materialism can look so attractive that we become deluded into thinking that’s what we really want!

Unless you make the effort to distinguish between your wants and your desires, and to clarify which aspect is influencing your actions, then you’re likely to lose valuable opportunities to accomplish your goals.

Get in touch with what the conflict is by asking two simple questions: What do I want to do, versus what do I feel like doing? What you want to do is usually the right thing, whereas what you feel like doing is often what is the most comfortable thing.

The alarm clock goes off in the morning. You want to get out of bed and start your day. But you probably feel like hitting the “snooze button,” and sleeping late. It’s a tug of war. Getting out of bed becomes a moral dilemma!

Whether you win and or lose depends upon which voice is the loudest at the moment of decision: the voice of want, or the voice of desire.

Once you’re aware of the conflict and remember that you’re struggling, you’re able to listen more carefully to the voice of the good heart, and dismiss the voice of the selfish heart.

A proper definition of “good” is the starting point of everything you do in life. Obviously you can’t just invent your own defini­tion of what “good” is. You have to investigate reliable sources, and then analyze which one best describes the human condition and reality.

Be careful! If you don’t work out the definition for yourself, you’ll end up with someone else’s idea of good! You don’t want to be 20 years down the road and realize you bought a bad package.
Unless you work out the definition, you’ll end up with someone else’s idea of good!
In Gaza, the definition of “good” may be someone whose willing to strap a bomb to his belly and detonate it in a crowded Israeli market.

A common Western definition of “good” is financial success. People become pulverized by depression because they’re not successful. “What’s wrong with me, I can’t get a job! I must be bad. Get me a therapist!”

This feeling carries into the way we consume. Our CD collection, our carpets, our fancy cars are one part convenience, two parts status. We want to show off that we fit society’s idea of “good.” (Politely, of course, so people shouldn’t think we’re barbarians!)

Always ask yourself: Am I defining “good” as that which looks good to the fast-food-cable-TV-Hollywood segment of society, or am I defining “good” as that which has real meaning, a deep message, and makes a valuable contribution to society?

If we don’t keep up our guard, then we could end up like those rich-and-famous who are hooked on drugs and plagued by depression. Why is the typical image of a movie-star one who is embroiled in legal disputes, can’t keep a marriage together, and spends countless hours in psychoanalysis?
In Judaism, the definition of good is found in the Torah. It spells out how a good person acts toward his friends, family, and society as a whole.
So keep your definitions straight. And be careful. Society’s definition could end up being your death sentence.


Once you get your definition down, then you  stick with it wherever you go, no matter what you do. Others will always try to change your definition of “good,” especially when it makes them feel bad about them­selves. But you must stand by your own definition, even when others mock you for doing so.

Why does someone play Russian roulette? Because he’s afraid of being jeered, of being called a coward. But who’s the real coward? The one without the courage to stand up to those jeers! In the end, instead of living as a coward, he dies as a coward! The ultimate irony: perception defeats reality!
Don’t let go of what you know.

 Imagine you’re a successful surgeon. You’re famous, you’re rich, you have a beautiful spouse and marvelous kids. You’re president of your synagogue, and you’ve just been nominated to receive an honorary doctorate from Harvard University. Life is grand!
Now you’re traveling through the Far East with some friends. One night, while your friends are out at a movie, the Secret Police come to your hotel room and say, “Your friends have been identified as dangerous spies. Tell us where they are – or we’ll kill you!” Uh-oh. What do you do?

Of course, turning over your friends is a terrible thing to do. On the other hand, you don’t want to die – and nobody will ever know you finked on your friends. (The Secret Police certainly won’t advertise the episode!) You can still be a successful surgeon, still have your beautiful family, still be rich and famous – and still make it home in time for the Harvard graduation!
Nobody will ever know you betrayed on your friends.
What do you do?
Now let’s up the ante. What if the Secret Police asked you to kill 1,000 children? “Kill 1,000 children and you can go back to the States to your beautiful life.” Do you think you’d ever be able to do such a thing?

No. We simply don’t have what it takes to be evil.

This scenario reveals something very deep in the makeup of every human being: Being good is so important that we’d even be willing to die for it.

Even though this scenario is a bit extreme, it elucidates a crucial principle: If you are willing to give up your life to be “good,” then there can be no higher goal in living than being good!
Now go out and live for it! Harness that force within you!

Pursue wisdom to understand how to be good. Make goodness your goal in living. Be willing to give up everything. Others might call you a fool, but you always win when you do the right thing. You’re not doing anyone any favors by being good, you’re simply doing what the “inner you” wants.


Our desire to be good is really just the tip of the iceberg. Actually, all of us strive to go beyond “good” – and become “great.”
Nobody wants to be average. Try saying, “I want to be a mediocre.” You can’t get the words out! Because we want to be great, not just good.
Would you want to be the person to discover the cure for cancer or eliminate the threat of nuclear war? Of course! We would all love to rid the world of it’s problems and unite humanity in peace and harmony. That is the Jewish concept of the Messiah. He will put the world back together.
I once asked a class, “Tell me honestly. In the secret, innermost part of your heart, do you harbor the desire to be the Messiah himself?”

The entire class raised their hands.
Now here’s a deep spiritual secret: The soul, the divine spark within each of us, craves to be united with the source of all life – the Almighty God. And for that reason, every human being, underneath it all, would not even feel satisfied being the Messiah. Our soul desires to be like God Himself.
So why don’t we aim for it?

Not because we don’t want to change the world. But because the effort seems too great.
The Torah, our Instructions for Living, provides a way to work toward this. One of the 613 mitzvot is to be like God, to emulate His ways.
We each have the potential to make a significant contribution to society. The Sages teach that everyone is supposed to say, “The whole world was made for me!” This does not mean that you can plunder the property of others. Rather, every individual is responsible for the world. Act ac­cordingly – you’re here to straighten it out.
It’s a lot hard work. But it’s what we truly seek. And in the process, you’re going to become not just good, but great!
Ask any young person today:

“What are the chances of a worldwide atomic war within the next 20 years?”
You’ll get a range of answers. Some will say 90%, some 20%.
How horrifying!
So what are you going to do about it?

 “Me? What can I do about it? The president is in charge! But I’m only one person. Who am I?”
In Judaism, we say that if you knew the Almighty Himself was helping you, what would you do about it?  Everything!

Well, here’s good news: God is behind you. God says, “If you try, I’ll help you. I want you to straighten out the world.”

It’s an obligation to become great. That is our national mission of “Tikkun Olam,” of repairing the world. If we shirk our responsibility, we’ll have to answer for it one day.

There’s no giving up. You want to be great, you can be great, and you have to be great. So get out there and slug. Harness your powerful desire for greatness. It’s leading you whether you like it or not.

Make the right effort, and God will certainly help you achieve.


A Day To Read The Declaration

July 4, 2012 by Bob Livingston 

It has been 236 years since 56 brave men signed their names to the Declaration of Independence, proclaiming that the 13 original American Colonies were no longer willing to live under tyrannical British rule.

Those men, among them some of the most notable names in American history, risked their own safety and that of their families by signing the document; they were still in the earliest stages of a war against an enemy that outgunned them and was better trained. By signing their names to the very spirit of Patriotism, the men risked being hanged in the event of defeat.

But they were not alone. Thousands of the signers’ fellow countrymen had already taken up arms against the British in the name of American Independence. Seven bloody years after the signing of the Declaration and eight bloody years after the initial shots at Lexington and Concord, a new, free, republican Nation was born.

Those 56 who risked their lives by signing their names to a document that declared in no uncertain terms that they meant to create a better place where freedom reigned supreme might have trouble recognizing their Nation today. Given the state of political discourse and the tendency for bureaucracy to destroy freedom in order to increase centralized power, the Federal government has effectively come to represent much of what those men disdained in the Declaration.

Take the time this Independence Day to read the Declaration of Independence in its entirety. For a thorough historical background and to better understand the Declaration’s signers, read They Signed for Us which was written by Merle Sinclair and Annabel Douglas McArthur and first published in 1957. If you have a little more time, visit to request a free copy of the Declaration and the Constitution and add your name to the list of Americans who read the founding documents over the holiday. To top it all off, write a letter to your Senators and Representatives to let them know that you agree with the principles your Nation was founded upon, and request that they legislate accordingly.

We Are Spartacus


You do not need to be a movie star to stand up for basic human freedom.

When you reach 95, as I have, after you get over your surprise, you start looking back. I’ve been thinking a lot about my parents, Russian immigrants who came to this country in 1912 – exactly one hundred years ago.

For them, the United States was a dream beyond description. They couldn’t read or write, but they saw a better life for their children in a new country half a world away from their tiny shtetl.

Against all odds they crossed the Atlantic. And like millions of people before and after, they passed close to the Statue of Liberty as they entered New York Harbor. Perhaps someone who could read English translated the beautiful words of Emma Lazarus, etched in bronze on the pedestal:

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”
What would my parents think about America if they arrived here today? Would they even want to come? I wonder.
A century ago, America was a beacon of hope to the world. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness were ideals not clichés. Any boy could still grow up to be president. Today, few boys–or girls, for that matter–dream of that. The American dream has become about quick fame and easy fortune, not public service and hard work.
I know something about this. I have been an actor for most of my life. When I started out, I didn’t think about anything except what was good for me. Like many movie stars, I became all wrapped up in myself. When I threw off the wrappings, I wrapped myself in the character I was playing.
My change came suddenly when I heard these words spoken by President Kennedy in his Inaugural Address in 1961:

“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”
It was a moment of clarity for me – like somebody had flipped a switch and the lights came on.
I had been lucky. Fame is as much about luck as it is about talent, perhaps more. My luck hadn’t come without a lot of hard work, but I now realized that it carried a responsibility along with it. JFK’s call to conscience made me understand that.

His words also reminded me of something my mother taught me.
For years we lived in a little town called Amsterdam, New York. We had a house near the carpet mills and the railroad tracks. We were very poor and often didn’t have enough to eat. Although we had nothing to spare, the hobos from the trains still came knocking on our door in the evening, asking for food. It scared me to look at them–disheveled, dirty. My mother was never frightened. Somehow she always found a little extra food to give them.

Then she said something I never forgot: “Issur,”–that was my name then–”even a beggar must give to another beggar who needs it more than he does.”

The fight against oppression and tyranny depicted in Spartacus is still going on all over the globe from Syria to Egypt to Iran.

I was an American movie star whose pictures were seen all around the world. This gave me the opportunity to do something for my country that most Americans couldn’t do. So I became an Ambassador of Goodwill for the State Department and traveled to 40 countries talking about America. I wasn’t viewed as a Democrat or a Republican. They only saw me as an American. By the way, I paid all my own expenses–I didn’t want anyone to say that Kirk Douglas traveled abroad on the taxpayers’ dime.
But you do not need to be a movie star to stand up for basic human freedom. The fight against oppression and tyranny depicted in Spartacus is still going on all over the globe from Syria to Egypt to Iran. Even the Russians are once again facing the threat of a popular uprising.

I believe much of the divisiveness in the world is caused by religious fanaticism, even in the time of Spartacus when they worshipped many gods. As you study history, you find that millions of people have been killed because of religious divisions based on false orthodoxy, not genuine spirituality.
After 95 years on this planet, I have come to the conclusion that the human spirit can never be crushed, no matter how cruel the oppressor or fanatic the belief. If we remember that simple truth–and act on it every day in small ways and sometimes in large movements–then freedom will ultimately win.
We are all Spartacus.


The start is what stops most people.

~Don Shula
Former NFL Coach 


We cannot sow thistles and reap clover.

 Nature simply goes by cause and effect.
-Napoleon Hill  


“We could take a lesson from the mosquito.

It never waits for an opening — it makes one.”
~ Kirk Kirkpatrick


“Far better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure…than to rank with poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor risk much, because they choose to live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”

        – Theodore Roosevelt  ….with a few edits


 Defeat is temporary, giving up makes it permanent.”

        – Marilyn Von Savant   …with a few edits


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